My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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