Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
