i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
