Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
