I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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