I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
