the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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