Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
