tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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