I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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