I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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