I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Houston, we have a squirter
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize