omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
