I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
