I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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