Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
