she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
