The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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