I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
