her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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