I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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