haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
