i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Of course I have a pirate flag
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
