Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
