things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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