I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
