My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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