god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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