Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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