I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it's like heaven, but drunker
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
