Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
