i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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