Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
