I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
