24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
