So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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