they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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