There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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