and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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