Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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