Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
God I need to hump something, right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
