I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
