Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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