I wish I only lived at night.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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