I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
