Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
