My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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