I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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