**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
