I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
