made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
