Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
