i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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