Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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