Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
