Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
