This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
