Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
