I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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