I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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