i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that's an acceptable place to lick
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
