so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
