my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
