Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
