Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
