Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
